Sorry I'm Late. My Bed Went Flat ...

I'm an insomniac. I don't sleep. At least, I don't sleep well, which usually means that I'm up tossing and turning all night or I finally just give up and go do something. This little habit has been with me for years and unfortunately, it only gets worse the older I get.

I'm also a snorer. Of course, not actually sleeping much means that my snoring is kept to a minimum, but the second I do fall off ... look out! It's like the snarling of a medieval monster lurking in a dark cave; a sound that scares my children and causes my wife to punch my arm. It's a loud snore I'm told.

As if the first two imperfections were not enough, I also suffer from sleep apnia. You know, that's the thing where you suddenly stop breathing in the middle of the night, until either your brain kicks in and finds your lungs on break or - if you're married, this is your more likely scenario - your spouse pounds you in the chest thinking she's saving your life several times a night. Of course that does start my breathing again, but usually results in my waking up and falling victim to insomnia, all with a huge bruise on my chest. Nights for me are tough.

Because of the three reasons above, I don't often sleep in my own bed anymore. Waking my wife and children and being awakened to a savage beating have long since driven me to the practice of sleeping in the basement. It's cool down there and I have a TV that I can watch as loud as I want and plenty of books to read. (Yes, it's a finished basement. I'm not a total savage).

Without a guest room on the lower floor, I decided one night a few years back to make a small investment in an air mattress for comfort. I went to my local Wal-Mart, (it's always the Wal-Mart), and purchased a Coleman camping job that came complete with a plug-in air pump. Of course, I don't know where you'd plug that in if you were hiking in the wilderness, but then again, a true camper doesn't use air mattresses anyway.

This "bed" if you will, has served me for quite some time now. For several years I've crashed out on the air mattress and sometimes I'm lucky enough to fall asleep without the help of Lunesta. To be honest, the thing is pretty damn comfortable and I don't have to worry about rousing the natives or being pummelled in the wee hours of the night. Not a bad situation.

Recently, however, I found out that air mattresses are not forever. Everything was fine when I "went to bed". Even by the time I finally drifted off to sleep several hours later the sturdy old mattress was firm and comfy with no signs of aging. Unfortunately, that bliss didn't last through the night. Somewhere, something went wrong. My bed sprung a leak.

I woke up to my alarm clock the following morning and sprang to life, knowing that I had bumped back my wake-up time to the last possible moment. Coffee, shower, shave and drive were the only things on my mind that morning as I started to roll over and begin a new day. In hindsight I would probably say that intentionally waking late is not a good idea.

As I rolled to my left, I noticed that I was surrounded by something in the dim light. Both of my shoulders seemed to be pushed in, close to my body and I couldn't roll in either direction. I felt as though I were wearing a straight jacket and wondered if my wife had me committed somewhere during the night. I tried to sit up and found that my head and neck were securely held in place as well. My legs were pushed together and all I could think was that someone had buried me in concrete that had now hardened.

As my mind came more to life - both from the onset of panic and the braying alarm clock still raucussing in the background - my situation began to make sense. My bed had gone flat. Not the whole bed, or perhaps to say not totally flat would be more descriptive. The sides around my body ballooned upward and pushed in around me as though I were caught in a swimming pool cover. Lying on my back, my weight pushed me down into the nest of deflated rubber, pushing the remaining air to the sides, which then pushed further down on me as they bellowed full at the top like hands holding me below the surface.

I struggled like a swimmer running out of air and panic overwhelmed me. I began kicking my legs, which did nothing more than finally work them free and allow more trapped air to push them into the air at an awkward angle. My bad knee complained. My body was now at floor level, secured into position and my legs were sticking straight into the air as though I'd been half-buried upside down. It seemed hopeless.

I thrashed around some more, kicking, wiggling and bouncing; anything to work myself upward. Like quicksand, I only seemed to sink further and my legs extended higher. Across the room my alarm clock laughed at me with a high-pitched beep.

Twenty-minutes or more went by with me struggling until I was sweaty and spent, then resting momentarily before doing it all over again. In my mind I had left non-belief behind, now furious about my situation. In terms of the absolute, most ridiculous way to be trapped on the face of this green earth, I was sure that I was the first person suffocating in a damn air mattress. I was steaming! To make it worse, I had chosen to wake up late, which meant that my wife and children were long-since gone for school and work. I was upside down, buried in a Coleman camping mattress and certain that my body wouldn't be found until late that evening. By that time, I suspected, rigormortis would have set in, stiffened my body and caused me to pop from the mattress to the floor. They'd never know what killed me. Thank God.

After nearly a half-hour passed, with the damn alarm clock still screaming it's applause, I finally worked my way to an inverted position in which my legs canter-levered backward over my head and slowly squeezed the rest of my body over the head-side of the mattress. I oozed from the rubber like a foot pulled from deep mud and finally, my head popped free from its captor. I lay on the floor panting, enjoying every second of freedom and the cool, fresh basement air touching my sweat-soaked skin. I realized that I had just escaped the most embarrassing death a man could imagine; drowning in an air bed.

When I'd finally gotten my barrings, I rushed through my morning routine and sped to the office where members of my company's executive committee had been waiting at a conference table for more than 30-minutes. Coffee cups were empty and notepads were scribbled on. I was late and there was no way in hell I was going to disclose the reason.

I walked into the conference room, took a seat in my chair and in a casual tone stated, "Sorry I'm late. I, uh...

...had a flat".

All the best,

WDL